re-post from old blog January 5, 2023

Current Weight 356.8 lbs

I hadn’t intended at all to do a blog post tonight not to mention snap a selfie of my own reality either. There is nothing like looking in the mirror and wanting to go to war with yourself. Whether it be weight loss you’re trying to achieve, or trying to beat time. Am I vain? I suppose I very much am, it bothers me that I no longer look like I did at 20, 30, 40, 45. It’s a hard reality to face when everything starts drooping and sagging, and you can’t fix it. 

Yesterday I had an appointment with the colorectal surgeon who gave me hope, I have been living in this place of no hope for so many months. Anyone surviving and living with or recovering from an RVF will understand what I mean, but this is my 2nd one. You go through all the emotions and ask yourself why me, as well as having those talks with yourself about how unfair this is, or really, why could it even happen to you? Throw out all the clinical reasons; it affects the quality of your life in so many different ways, because nothing will change the outcome of this except surgery. I wish that this were something you could wish or pray away, but realistically, I know it is not. 

I will be very frank in this blog of my life, I have great faith in God, I read the bible daily, pray daily, daily devotionals…However I am still human and I still will drop the F-BOMB when the situation warrants or if I just feel like it, it’s one area of my life that I try to modify. I have seen so many posts on social media about New Year’s resolutions, and for the first time, I didn’t make any. I didn’t take the time to make a list that I probably wouldn’t keep. I have come to the conclusion this year needs to be a year of healing for myself, a year of taking things slower and healing from past hurts, working on forgiveness for anything that has hurt me in the past, healing from procedures or surgeries, Working on making changes in my life for the greater good of my own health, being grateful for all that I have. Starting gratitude and manifesting journals, and a side project that I really would like to come true. Attempting my 1st ever envelope challenge to save money for some much-needed repairs on my house.